today

I have serious concerns over who I have become.

  I am not sure oft times if I am leaving or staying or playing or praying.

  Preying?

  Hunting or bunting.

  Ha ha, Ok, enough wordplay.

  The truth of the mater is that I can find under no certain restriction the will to stop myself from doing anything to anyone at anytime.

  This includes myself, and yes, I have indulged in multitudes of self-destructive savoir-faire.

  Short of eating worms that is.

  But is self-destruction right or graceful under any circumstance?

  At what point does the experiment become the lifestyle and take over our every thought.

I

Just

Might

Not

Be

Getting It.

Empirically believe that we have a purpose on this earth, that there is a greater good for us to desire to, whether communally or individually, but is this true?

  Do we all have an ever ending, life solving purpose?

  What if yours is to rein havoc and run amok?

  Do we balance the scale buy saying mine is to thwart your havoc by planting the seeds of morality and stop you from running amok by preaching law?

   I say no, we do not have a purpose in life except to serve the moment.

  Moment from moment, deed from deed and if these deeds do indeed pile into a complete form, well then good on ya.

Cheers for now, I have to rest my head, its beginning to hurt once again, no matter the meds I am taking.

receiving...transmission..

T-MINUS 5 DAYS and counting!

Fin

This blog is not for you. It never was, it was for me. Nobody can fathom what goes through my mind, sometimes not even myself, but don't yu dare judge me - because you are not one to judge. All I have ever wanted to say in this blog is that I have my own troubles, thoughts and ideas, and fr all of you t express your own.

I am moving along now, I can't stand the neighbohood any longer, too many fruit loops moving in.

For those who this may be your only contact with me, or enjoy sometimes reading me when I am being smart and or funny, you will find me. Just remember where I live and my favorite book series. Otherwise bugger off.

October 13

Oh yeah, my flu is gone and turned into something else, lets see if you can guess...
I am shaking my booty to Lady Gaga's Poker Face while contemplating whether or not my apartment needs color, all while shopping for rock and roll cowboy hats online (Burger - you know the exact hat I am talking about).

i think I have come down with a small case of the gays.

I'M FABULOUS!!!!

I don't have any gay friends here in Vegas. Sad. I am sure when I lose a few pounds and start heading to the dance scene, I am sure to make new and interesting friends. Do I know how you are gay? You know who Lady Gaga is Shorty!

Love

October 9

Live your dream. Be your own hero. Leave behind, nothing.

September 22b

neveragainnomoreselfishness

stripper pole, oh stripper pole
I see your light in granduer

I been mining these here Xerxes rocks for gone on 7 years, like my da fore me. No Ceres pussy 'roids for us, we swing the big hammer. Deep in the 'nels with the hydrogen rig and whatnot, load of fellers claimed to see things; lights, rats, it don't matter no for nothing can live outside the big tent without a suit and whatnot. Me? Nah, I ne'er see no toss off shite, thats just more of the old carbon going to waste reporting that it is and whatnot. But between you, me an this here bottle of rain, I did see a sorcerer down in the 'nels once. Jest once.
Odd looking feller. No suit, jest a vapor mask, and the rpressure gloves. He was drawing the Hydro straight out the rock with his mind and whatnot. When he saw he wasn't alone, he blinked out. Jest like that. Blinked the feck out.

September 22

I made it to 6 years. Mel, you and I hold a personal record in my book. Woo-hoo. Here is to a few more months of separated marital bliss!!
On a lighter note. Its been a busy summer of caravaning back and forth to Utah for the party season. Thanks to all of those who made the parties what they were. Big props out to Jayme AND the big C for really taking the bull by the horns, and the family for providing the muscle; all the unsung heroes who work hard to make sure we all have a good time. I love you all. This has been a banner year for me seeing my uncle Corey, I think I have seen him more in the last 3 months than in the last 10 years. PHEW.
The next big thing is the DW Walk, please go over to Songs blog and check it out, there is still time to donate, I think. I am going to try to walk in it with them and some of the family that is coming down. October 10th. Vivi is an awesome kid with hard working parents, so this is important to me that I support them - I have challenges in mobility, but I have 18 days to learn to walk a mile.
I was looking at some pix over at Higbee, and I am so tired of going up and down in weight. The next full family function is Thanksgiving. I have 9 weeks. I WILL have lost 36 pounds by then and Aunt Jeanie WILL take a pic of me at Thanksgiving so I can compare it to this last party. I am not asking, she is just the keeper of the family photo album, thankfully!!!! Every party, that camera is up to her eye.
You know, I am thinking over the people our family has brought into the fold. Some have stayed, others have thankfully moved their asses on. Some have come back, some have tried to come back and some we have full on restraining orders on. But there are two men in the family who were not born Hildebrand, but have given their heart to ensure this family has always rolled along. I want to especially give it up to the two silent work horses, George and Carey. You two inspire me and I love you both. Thanks for putting up with us (GB - Love you always, dad) and all of our bullshit. To the two newest members of the clan and forgive my spelling, Kyoko and Sawyer - Hold on, its a damn bumpy ride. For those leaving our family this year, my mom says the door is always open and for me for God sake to be nice, but I say Good riddance, and don't let the door hit you (and there is one woman out there who has been telling it like it is for over 70 years who would agree with me)...
Tommy, Rachelle, Danielle, Spencer, Nina, Jenny, Song, Wendy, Teresa, Corey, Clark, David, Sue, Jeanie, Jayme, Aaron, Mom, Grandpa, Grandma, Amy, and countless others who are bound by blood to this family, and I know I have forgotten some, 2009 was a banner year for us too, we who see each other all to infrequently. I want you to remember that we are bound by our families love and strength. I am glad we all are able to get together from time to time, and as party season 2009 ends, I am saddened by the fact that it may be another year before I see some of you again and some of our family, it has already been a year. Take care one and all. Bright Blessings.

September 18

That she was sexy there is to be no doubt; how hard is it to look sexy when you weigh 105 pounds, are wearing a silver short skirt and mtching halter top with knee high black boots? But there was something else about her. It was the way the wind machine piped the cool air through her hair as she held her hand up to her ear swaying with the music, hips grinding and swinging. It was the way she danced with her eyes closed until she stared deeply into my soul and smiled a gentle smile that embarassed her as much as it did me that she caught me staring. It was the fact that knowing ii was intrigued and staring, she dared another glance and smile in my direction.
I felt the way i did during the opening number of Xanadu, as all of Zeus' daughters come to life will ELO sings "I'm Alive".
I have to believe we are magic.
Where have all the cowgirls gone and where will I be when they come back?
Ahh sweet sweet liberty.

September 7

I was driving through the gorge when he sun caught a speck of insect intestine just right, the light shot directly into my eyes. I found my own mind exploding onto itself, sending shockwaves up and down my psyche. I separated my body in the car from my mind, out of fear that this new blinding explosion would cause an accident.

The explosion finally ceased and I could not see. I felt myself chained somehow at the wrists and ankles quite firmly. I was weak. There was a thick oily darkness swimming just in front of my eyes. It felt wrong but it also felt somehow familiar. I could feel the bindings on my wrist; they were attached to some kind of cold stone, ice cold. I yelled out.

“Hello! Are you out there?”

I couldn’t see anyone but I could here voices.

“We are here Mike”
“We see you”
“You can do it”

The voices were quite mute, and far away, I didn’t recognize the voices. The mist cleared just a little bit, like smoke, and I could see marble pillars lying on the ground, all seemed to be in shape, except for one that appeared to be shattered. I looked up to where I felt the sky would be and could feel that I was in some type of box. A room or a building, not very big, but it held me. It seemed to hold all of me and my thoughts. The roof was being held up by two large black pillars.

I was cuffed to these two pillars; they were made of marble but were black like Onyx and had a dull shine. I felt these pillars to be wrong, but safe. Like I had been with them my whole life, but I didn’t remember them being so big.

“Mike, Come over with us”
“Just do it”
“We need you”

I understood the voices but could still not see the speakers, the last voice sounded familiar but I couldn’t place it. I wanted to go to them, but I couldn’t see them, I couldn’t find them, I was alone; I pulled against the pillar and for just a brief second it moved. Not enough to unbind me, but it moved.

“HELP”, I yelled into what was becoming grayness, “Please!”

I felt the voices wanting to help, but they couldn’t, they could not help me with this. I became aware I needed to get away from these two black pillars; they controlled my life as I was bound to them. I struggled, I made promises, and I pulled this way and that and only barely moved them. Weakly, I leaned into the chains to get rest. Out of breath I looked around for something that could help.

I noticed a word at the bottom of the pillar to my left, it said FEAR. Fear? What did that mean? I was afraid of spiders sure, but fear? As I looked closer, I noticed that the chain and cuff really were not holding me. I was holding the chain in a death grip.

“He is beginning to understand!” an excited voice called out, “Let go! Please”.

Let go? I had been attached to this pillar for so long, I didn’t think I could. For the briefest of seconds I let go. The darkness receded a bit and I could see people. Not their features, but people. I immediately grabbed the chain again and thought to myself how horrible it would be for that many people to see me like this. How could I dare? I looked to the bottom of the second black pillar and saw the word SHAME.

Immediately I broke down to tears. This pillar I had been holding onto as well, not the other way around. Hoe could I have gone so long without knowing this?

“Mike, let go”

Again, the voice that sounded so familiar to me.

I trusted in the voice and closed my eyes, I let go of the chains that had bound me so strongly and stepped out of the shadow of these two pillars that had clouded my mind for so long. The ground shook and I almost reached for the chain, but I pulled my hand back just in time, for the ground opened and swallowed the two pillars and immediately closed up. I turned to where I saw the people.

There were too many to count. Some I recognized, some I knew very well. Some I had hurt and others I did not know. They were all smiling and clapping, some crying with joy. In the middle of the room was a reflecting pond. I looked a mess. Ragged and tired, but there was a spark in my eye not there before. In the pond I could see white and alabaster marbled pillars behind me. I realized these were the pillars on the ground. I knew I had to pick them up. They had words like, HONESTY, VIRTUE, CHARITY, and HEATLH. I so wanted to pick them up, but they were too heavy. I yelled to the group to come help me, I was almost done. Sadness rang in their face, and someone cried out,

“He’s not ready”

“Not ready? I have let go of fear and shame? What else is there”?

As one, the group pointed to pieces of marble with red and blue veins that lay in crumbles on the floor, almost without number. I didn’t know what to do, I felt so empty and alone, nobody would help me. I stood weeping, unsure of myself and missing my pillars. I felt a tug at my waist and turned and before me stood my son Adam.

He held out his hands as if in a cup and he said, “I love you dad”.

“I love you too son”, and tried to hold his hands but he wouldn’t take mine. He looked at the ground in front of him. I saw in the line behind him people I knew, my son Alex, my parents, in-laws, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, friends. Most I recognized some I had never met. They all were smiling again, and holding their hands the same way Adam was.

“I love you dad”, Adam said again beaming at me. I loved him to, but was confused. He could tell, so in the way Adam does things, out of the corner of his mouth he said “Pick up the rock, dad”.

I looked down and saw one of the special pieces of rock. I picked it up and it felt so warm and so right. It was like a meadow of wildflowers exploding in my mind; like hot soup on a cold day. I didn’t want to ever give this feeling up. Until I looked down at Adam and saw his smile. Who better to share this with?

As I lay the rock in his hands, I said “I love you too son”. Adam took the rock and walked over to a pillar stand. He laid it carefully and meticulously on the stand and then stepped away, I saw the word LOVE on the pillar stand and the warmth and love I felt was magnified ten times more than when I held it to myself.

I spent what felt like the rest of the day handing these love rocks to people I knew and people I didn’t, people who looked well to do and people who looked worse off than I. At the end of the day the pillar stood strong and tall and all the people I had shared love with stood around it admiring its beauty. But I noticed an imperfection. One stone missing. I looked all around, I couldn’t see it.

“Hello Michael”

It was the voice I had recognized. There in front of me, naked, stood a man. I recognized him at once, and no Song, it was not Jesus. I stood facing myself. Not the self that I was ashamed of, but the self that others saw, the self I could be, the self I was to become. Toned, healthy and in shape. Strong of character and loyalty, loving and caring; honest and charitable he stood before me.

“I love you”, he said to me with just a small tear in his eye.

Trembling, I took the rock from his hands, and made my way to the pillar. I felt a thousand hands on me pushing me toward the pillar, making me feel right. I placed the rock in the hole and said, “I love you too”.

“Great”, he said snapping his fingers, “Now we have some work to do” and then a light flashed.

I was driving through the gorge.

September 6

I am really tired. The divorce, the apartment search, the struggle with the decision to go back to SLC or not. I have been feeling very, very alone for the last two months as well and that has definately taken its toll on my psyche. It sounds like life to me and a country boy will survive, but needless...
My life is in flux, but I am in charge and that is still.good. I just need to find a way to save my sanityam

September 2

Ok, my first Blackberry post. Just want to let y'all know I am moving into my own place later this month, so the hotel hildebrand is closing its doorsw as melanie and I go our individual paths. I will give anyone who wants it my new adress. For now, I am.gone!

August 30

Forgive my impetuousness, but here we go, my weekly therapy:

We remember today Mike Hildebrand who passed from this world doing what he loved, using the toilet. It was one of his greatest pleasures. Sometimes while at work, he was known to disappear for 30 minutes at a time. Mike confided in a friend long ago, that sometimes it was the only place he could escape from those around him, his only sanctuary. The toilet.
It took Mike a long time in this world to com to grips with himself, and his place in the world. After two failed marriages and several attempts prior he realized finally that he did indeed have 99 problems and a bitch wasn’t one. He came to know that he did not need someone else in his life to complete him, but rather what could he do to help those around him feel more complete.
He discovered this while overweight, tired and alone – he knew there was more to life then to die alone, in his one bedroom apartment with nothing to show.
He dedicated his life from his mid thirty-sixth year to others, his children especially. He was best remembered by his sons for giving them the courage to be whatever they wanted and after Adam’s brief stints in the ballet, president, astronaut, Army Ranger, professional baseball player, policeman he finally did become a pizza delivery boy; a childhood dream. As for Alex, he took a story his dad told him seriously. When Alex began his junior year, he wrote that he was scared of his schedule, that it may be too tough for him. His dad posted these words:
“Son, don’t ever be afraid in learning – grades are only one person’s evaluation of how they feel you understood what they taught. It’s a continuing chapter in that game that we have spoken of, but more importantly its how you play it that you will be measured by. It’s OK to get an A on a test, but did you really learn anything? How will you apply it? I have every faith in you son, you will get the good grade, you will apply what you have learned and I guarantee you WILL leave your mark on this world and WE will be better for it. Stand boldly and never be afraid to bring the thunder.”
Somehow, this inspired Alex to become a civil engineer and as we all know, he has solved many of the problems of urban dwelling. His goal to take over the world, is well on its way. all hail the merciful Alex.
Mike also realized he had a unique calling in getting jobs, so during the economic downturn he invested all of his poker winnings in the Hildebrand House for Human Resource Outreach. This center helped thousands of people get jobs that would have otherwise never been filled.
This charitable institution was only one of the many endeavors Mike created, not the least of which were the Old Poker Players Home, the Albert Joseph Memorial Health Fund, the Allwyn Couthinho Institute of Language Arts and the Rebecca H. Thorpe School of Girls Etiquette.
He touched many lives during the second chapter of his life. After losing over 150 pounds, he and his boys trekked the world, always with the same message of friendship that he parlayed in every endeavor, while in commune in Tibet, he solved world hunger by coming up with an Algae, Soy and corn based patty called the Dana Burger, which is an inside joke he took to his grave.
We remember him today not for who he was, but rather what he left behind – not necessarily in the toilet, but his legacy. He loved us all more than he could ever say in life; his love was too big for him to put into words. God bless America.

August 23

There is a saying, and forgive my crassness, "Shit or get off of the pot". For too long, I have been waiting for life to happen to me. Enough is enough. What I am trying to say I guess is, world get ready to be covered in my shit.

So I am getting divorced, I survived it once, i can survive again and again and....

So I am overweight, K, actually that is one i want to change.

So i think Brave New World is trash, its no 1984.

I miss my old friends.

My kids start school tomorrow, holy shit. where does time go?

August 7

The Nation of Islam is a joke. the five percenters especially. Here is a group the historically recruits men from prison, homeless shelters and other urban blight areas and turns them from helpless men to strong black proud men. Nothing wrong with that at all. there is absolutely nothing wrong with being proud of your race (except if I were to walk into an auditorium full of an ethnically diverse crown and cried, "white pride", I would be the only racist in the room).
However, every time I drive along Martin Luther King, there they are (which is an affront to the unity preached my Dr. MLK), selling their paper and asking for donations of $100.00. If they only asked for it from cars with African Americans in them, that would be one thing, but they literally shove their upper bodies in through my window and ask for donations. I am white, they are preaching and have historically preached black segregation. I am paying them to fight the power. How effed up is that?

July 31

stumbled across what i think is the funniest video ever again today, peep it (a pulp fiction fan will agree):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YPXmGI92mVI

July 20

I have now heard that if you want to by porno, you have to buy it on DVD. Personally I think it is for the directors commentary:

"Right here, the lighting on Bunny St. Kittens ass seemed a little to bright, I decided to filter it through a couple of tee shirts lying around on the set. i think you'd agree, the soft touch made this double penetration shot worth the extra expense."

The excitement over the last two weeks is done, my kids and parents are gone and now it is back to the house that love built between mel and I. I think my kids killed my xbox, I keep getting the overheating ring, then it shuts down.

I begin my medically supervised diet of 1200-1500 cal per day tomorrow. yeah!

OK, gotta run, here is one last photo for you:

July 12

Coming this fall to NBC Sunday night lineup, Stash and the Fatman
"Hey Fats, lose some weight man"
"You got it, just as soon as you shave off that porn stash"
Raised on the mean streets of Salt Lake and brought togeher to bring their brand of justice to the scum of the city, Stash and the Fatman know how to rock their talents
"Fatman says, lights out"
Coming this fall, one sports the greatest porn stash on TV, the other, grossly obese. One rides a bike, one knows how to spell bike. Coming this fall
Bom-chicka-Bown-bown


So me and the boys have ben havinga great time, Red Rocks, Fishing, etc. Here are some pix:










Alex and Adam standing at the Calico Tanks which are actually "Petrified" Sand Dunes, its freaking awesome.

Adam and Alex down in the tanks at the head of one of the hiking trails, hey each took the picture of the other - budding photographers!

At the halfway point of the scenicloop, over Alex's right shoulder, the Calico Tanks, in between them if you look VERY close, Las Vegas. i don't know what the hell face Adam is making.

Same Spot, but looking the other direction, in the background these are like 2000-3000 foot cliffs, some of the best climbing.









Nothing special here, just liked the boys in front of the rail.

Fishing at Sunset Park, obviously catching a TON!!!

OK, so I read a story on MSN about a man who weight 600+ and has lost over 400 lbs in 26 months, they are actualy turning it into a TV series starting tonight. One thing he did that I need to do is go public. i am not going to advertise, but i am going to publicize my journey each week. Starting Monday, join me for Stash and the Fatman. Here is the Fatman's before PIC:

BEWARE, THIS IS A PIC OF ONE LARGE DUDE IN JUST SHORTS, GO AWAY NOW OR SCROLL DOWN.

I love you.

My favorite part of the MJ tribute? This:
Rev. Al Sharpton (To MJ's Kids) "There was nothing strange about your daddy"
crowd roars approval and cheers
Rev. Al Sharpton "It was strange what your daddy had to deal with!"
crowd erupts into standing ovation, chants of "Michael, Michael"
Voice in crowd "Rev Sharpton, does this mean you'd let him watch your kids?"
Rev. Al Sharpton (Forgetting he was still on) "Hell to the no! "

Other than that it was a beautiful tribute, all Michael's friends; Lou Ferigno, Magic Johnson, Brooke Shields and the entire Bubbles family. WTF?

OK, enough from me, he was not necessarily an ordinary person, but he shaped music for forever. Now he can rest.

July 6

I can't wait for 90 days to be up!
Anyway, we are back in town after a wonderfully relaxing weekend. Literally, I did nothing - and I feel a little bad about it with all the work a few special ladies and maybe a gentlaman or two did to pull off my G-Ma's birthday. J and J and C and anybody else who was part of making it awesome, thank you very much it rocked.

Now to book my next stay at the mansion! Yee-Haw!

My kids have come down to spend their traditional 2 weeks with me, somehow it has gone from 3 to 2, but wveryone thinks I am insane at thinking 3 - but I know it was at one point. Anyway, the good thing is that they are here. This first week will be a touch boring, but all in all we will have a good time.

Melanie has given up on she and I, we will be living at the apartment for a little bit longer, but I am moving to another room.

AJ and I wil lbe going to the gym daily and I intend to drop 15 pounds while he is here. WEEE!!

Talk t you later, got to go to work. I love you.

June 30

What's going on! Are you ready to rock blogosphere? Well alright! I got something to say. Its better to burn out, than fade away!

OK enough 80's hairband nonsense. So it is T-minus two days until we go to Utah. Except for the 8 kids, my life has become like Jon and Kate, except I am the whiny lady on the couch crying and complaining how much I have tried to make it work - and she is like Jon, just excited to get the fuck out.

So this will be our first vacation togehter but apart, I drop her off at her mom's, then I go my own way. Pick her up for the family reunion, then pick her up on Sunday to come back to the LV. Effing weird.

OK, that reminds me, if you have not seen the Lil Rabbits version of David Blaine street magic go there now: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AYxu_MQSTTY You will laugh your arse off, at some points the F bomb is dropped, so clear the room of those under 17. What the EFF? What the EFF? There are actually 5, but only the first three are originals.

I think I will take the boys fishing Saturday, maybe - guess I better see how much that will cost eh? OK, I have to go get dressed for work.

I love you!

June 25

An open letter to Mr. Sean Penn

Dear Mr. Penn,

I have not always been a fan of yours; sure, Jeff Spicoli was genius as was you turn as the mentally unendowed father in I am Sam (but hey, I am a Beatles fan, so that only helped your cause). Hell I even liked your evil character in Mystic Pizza - you can play sleazy.

But, for every good role you have (and you mentioned this in your award ceremony acceptance speech), you make yourself hard to like. Marrying Madonna? Your TOO Far left wing fanaticism (I mean, seriously dude, you and Michale Moore are making the rest of us libs look bad - Thank God the Republican party doesn't know how to keep it in their pants lately)?

Then I see the movie, Into the Wild. Mr. Penn, this movie changed the way I am thinking about things lately - an if a movie can do that sir, than you have built a masterpiece. Truly, not as good as the book, but I have ALWAYS been a Jon Krakauer fan. But you captured the essence. I was also not an Emile Hirsch fan, seeing him only in Alpha Dog - but between his college graduate, innocence waiting to be spent acting and your direction, you caught a sole trapped by the one quote in the movie that meant more than anything, Happiness is good only when shared.

The tragedy of the movie was that I knew how it would end, knowing the true story of Chris, but you gave even that dignity, and I applaud you and Emile. Emile, nearly giving up as much body weight as a Christian Bale Friday night, took the role to the limit. Please send my thanks along, as I know you are buddies.

You did it Mr. Penn, this is your opus and I beg you to put the shovel down, stop doing whatever you are doing and fade away into the sunset. Go. Be brave and live a long, fulfilled life. Far away from Hollywood and Venezuela.

Sincerely,
A New Fan

PS - I hear Milk is pretty good, maybe I will drink it up, forgive the pun. As long as it doesn't contain any of the three things I hate to see in movies; Politics, San Francisco and Flaming Homosexuals (I mean, seriously, To Wong Foo?)

June 21

Happy Litha!
So, I am going to write a story, is going to be a story of hurt and redemption. I am calling it 138 days. There is a significance to this number that I will not shed yet, but the story will be regarding one coming to the end of his last painful journey and coming out the other end of the tunnel.
I hope your day went well and i love you.

June 14th

Hey, thanks for stopping by. I want thoe people who read my blog to understand how much I appreciate them, its family and a few friends and I am blessed that you all reach out to me. Thanks Jenny, Aunt J, and yes, mom (who doesn't know how to comment, but sure leaves no doubt!) for your support love and thoughts.

I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea, I have too much to live for to do anything stupid, but I just wanted to express how I feel as if i am standing on the precipice of my life. i have lost a lot, but still can gain - soon my life will change one way or the other, I just don't feel in control any longer. I am a stranger in my own house, I drift.

What keps me anchored is the love of my boys, the love of my family and oddly, music. Sometimes I catch myself thinking about something, say, fishing - next thing I know, I am actually physically going through the motions of casting and reeling in, laughing. Sometimess I will thing of taking adrink, and again, without a drink, go through the motions. I srop things for no reason. This is why I am feeling insane, becasue I know what needs to happen, I just can't do it. I feel as if I need to be committed. Melanie has given up on me (rightly, I understand - i just wonder what part of sickness and health we left out of the vows?), and i feel about to.

I can't go on this way. Seriously. I don't even know how to approach a therapist, "Say, Doc, maybe you haven;t noticed, but i am a land whale and, um, i can't do anything about it. Help".

I don't understand. I love you. talk to you again soon.

June 11

Almost bed time, but just have a lot on my mind. Truly, how much can one person sleep in a day and is it indicative of something worse? I stayed home ill today and except for maybe 5 hours between now and 6 AM, I slept. To me, that is really odd.

Anyway, I am tired of lying to myself about "when I am skinny, I am going to...". i do not love myself at this weight or health and like I told Mel, sometimes I feel as if I'd rather be dead than feel this way anymore. For those who are not obese, you will NEVER understand what I am taling about. Sure, you have your own issues and for that I respect your feelings; but this is the worst that I have ever felt.

I cannot find the desire (even though i have the reasons) to stop behaving in a manor in which I have progressed so far and it is killing me slowly and driving me more insane every day. I do not know what to do. It has cost me my marriage and numerous other little things.

Forgive me my rant, I just had to vent. I love you.

June 8

Short post before work. Got back to LAS last night after a quick 28 hours in SLC (11.5 hour drive time on top of that). Literally pulled in 15 minutes before Scoogies soccer game on Saturday and pulled out right after eating a BBQ burger at Kathie's.
Homefront - Still, who knows. I am going to give it my best this week to get a doctor and therapist appointment, as well as make it to the gym daily. I deserve to do this for myself.
I have been thinking a lot about the Goddess again lately, odd, her pull - my faith, it is always a strange, but passionate, bond.
Watched Up with the boys. Pixar diserves best animated picture every year, even when they do not put something out. Great flick, and better famlily choice than my original choice for us, Drag me to Hell.
OK, I love you, gotta run.

May 28

Three things to talk about this fine Las Vegas morn. Actually, four - One of my employees has three dingos. Dingos? I thought they were nasty predators? She tells me they are sweet, but has no idea why they ate Meryl Streep's baby, no, she doesn't.

I had a great visit with family over Memorial Day weekend, very relaxing. But as soon as I dropped off my boys, gassed up and started home - I began the grumble. Effing 6 and a half hour drive. Why did I move? grumble. Eventually got to Cedar City to gas up again, a little more relaxed, called she-who-will-not-be-named to let her know I was stopping in Mesquite for dinner and maybe a little 21.

As soon as I hit St. George at just after 3:15 PM, I-15 bcomes a rest stop. It remained this way for two hours until I got just within sight of the Virgin River Gorge. This is a distance, perhaps of 20 miles, give or take. The whole time I was so angry that I was going to be later in gtting home than I wanted, and now I wasn't even going to get a chance to stop in Mesquite. I was pissed. I knew it was some motorhead accident up ahead, and I was also mad at them.

Then I saw the camoflauged pants, covered up by an orange blanket on the side of the road, deceased http://www.legalinfo360.com/2009/05/1-dead-10-injured-in-car-accident-on-i-15/. He wasn't going to make it home at all. His family would always have Memorial day to remember this sad, sad news. Me too.

Also, this morning, I have been on the phone with my work since about 5 AM. This happens about once every week or so, especially on the wekends. In fact, I count on it for the weekends. I am ahead of myself. My job title is Production Manager. This means that when we are not producing or able to produce, on the business side I am the first to gt the call (usually our IT department knows first). This also means that during rollouts and such, I am onsite. I am basically on call all day, all week.

I love what I do, but I generally hate to hear my company phone ring. Sometimes its a real issue, like this morning was (which, during this blog, has corrected itself), but more often than not, it is one of my employees calling with what I like to call, an educational retraining opportunity (there are no dumb questions). I get my fur in a bunch evrytime I hear the dman thing ring.

Again, though, cue the sappy music, I am thankful I have a job. I am thankful that I have a boss that encourages my school and is supportive of me during this dark time in my marriage. I am one of the fortunate non-degreed ones, who thhrough skill, luck and charm have risen to the place I am. Now I jsut have to keep it up. Thanks for the job.

Finally, what the hell is up with Jon and Kate? Seriosuly I would have backed out of that train wreck of a marriage two years ago. Taken the cute kids and run. GO JON! RRRUUUUUUUUNNNNNN!

I love you.

May 24th

You miss me beeches? I had the need to take a short sabbatical, sort things out and get right. A lot of my readers know that I will soon be a two-time divorcee. Doesn't that sound like a cheap 50's movie starring Tony Curtis? Anyway, I have a lot of anger and resentment that I have ben sorting through, but realize it is going to take some time still - I just need to begin my process of moving on. I guess coming back to writing is appropriate on he day before Memorial day.

I am in Utah currently, home of the brave and always upwardly mobile political mover and shaker. I had a great visit with family today that really made me happy and full of joy. Thanks for that. I got real lucky in the family department.

Anyway, I am tired now it is late and I have some reading to do.
Glad to be back, I will write more tomorrow, post some pix, etc. I love you.

May 11

OK, seriously, one last post bexause it is important. I had no internet yesterday and only 30 seconds of phone time (enough to leave my mom a message); but wanted to wish those who read this and are mothers a big heartfelt HAPPY BELATED MOTHERS DAY. And for those who are step parents, and may or may not feel as if this is deserved, bullshite, HAPPY BELATED MOTHERS DAY TO YOU TOO. A parent is a terrible thing to waste. So is a mime.

May 8

This is my last post for awhile. i don't have anything important to say, and i do not want to whine Thanks for dropping by. Go see Star Trek, its the greatest movie of all time.

Maybe I will drop by if I have something to say.

May 5th

Just some notes about some thing I learned from some people along the way, that for one reason or another are not in my current life:

From Lance W. - I learned that I would some day love motorcycles, rock climging and chewing tobacco - Only interested now in two of the three.

From Vonnie N. - I learned girls and women can be very manipulative. Hot ,but manipulative.

From Janet D. - I learned you should never be scared to admit feelings for someone, becasue they can leave your life so fast. I learned to yearn for something. And yes Janet, a Tangelo is a real fruit.

From David D. - I learned what a true friend should act like, all the time.

From Steve T. - I have learned that sometimes we back the wrong horse.

From James T. - I learned that you cannot always take back a harsh word and that we truly do miss the things in life we valued the most.

From Roger M.- I learned temperance, faith and the love of a good game.

From Ethan R. - I learned leadership and strength of character.

From Larry K. - I learned to love the sound of live music, and that I too could make it.

From Calvin H. - I learned to love the smell of cherry tobacco.

From Jim W. - I learned that the truth hurts to admit to yourself.

Some people that read this may think I am talking about you. Maybe I am - ask yourself how long has it been since we spoke, if it has been a few years, yeah, this may be you. I value everything on this list I have learned. Each one of these items, I carry with myself. sometimes I get tearry eyed over them, sometimes I get angry, other times I laugh myself silly (If you have ever woken up in a gutter in Preston Idaho, in only socks and underwear, you can appreciate some of the humor).

I still have learned also so much from s many people still in my life. I hold these lessons close to my heart and am not ready to share or immortalize you yet (call it superstition).

We are touched by divine presence for such a short time on this Earth that if we do not recognize a true friend when we meet, we are surely lost. A friend comes in many shapes sizes and colors, so be careful not to take for granted the kid that comes by your desk or office every day, who somehow felt a connection with you when he overheard you mention you just bought Star trek on Blu-Ray, now he feels compelled to go WAY out of his way to come discuss it, even though you have a meeting, busy, phone call, etc. Don't take for granted the guy that was thrust at you and was a loud mouth, always hitting you on the shoulder after every terrrible joke, and you always looked at the clock when you hung out. Because maybe someday that kid loses his job and doesn't come by anymore, or maybe you are thinking about your loud mouthed friend who got married a two years ago and had a baby, and you just happen to come across his obituary becaause he had cancer.

Don't ever be afraid to tell someone you love them for who they are.

Happy Cinqo De Mayo my friends, shoot one back for me.

April 19

OK, so my apologies for my recent pitty party. What happens will happen. I am however, giving up Poker for 6 months; i am starting to doubt if I am what is called a Winning Player. Oh, I win, but maybe not enough. For the next 6, every hour i would have spent in a poker room, I will spend in a gym.
I want to matter, so, i have some work to begin, before there is no evidence of me.

April 12b

Second post. I just wanted to day, some of you know that i have been trying to lose weight. I want to post my B4 picture here. I have lost about 0 lbs since this photo, but it still looks like me. Most of you won't see me until July 4th, so hopefully we can see a difference. Here it is, in a water drainage pipe in the middle of the desert.

April 12

Today is Easter, and I should be at church. My boys flew home today after spending the last days with me. It was great. The three of us did a lot of fun things, saw some movies and spent a lot of time talking. It was a beautiful ending to a piss poor week.

Some of you already know some have guessed, but Melanie has decided she no longer wants to be married to me, so in the next few months, we Will Be divorcing. the only reason it is dragging out that long is so we do not have to break our lease here which ends in 3 months anyway.

I was going to write a funny, humorous blog about blaming the Internet and Stephanie Meyers and vampires in general for my divorce, but I cannot bring myself to it. A friend of mine said I was anything but cliche recently and I realized that my usual tactic of covering up my emotions with humor was not going to work.

My heart IS breaking, but I know that in time, wounds heal and I am a better person for her being in my life even as brief or ling as I count it. I DON'T know why she is leaving other than she would rather be alone she tells me, she is a loner. Gee, this would have been good to know 6 YEARS AGO!!! I guess I missed all the signs until recently.

Anyhoo, that is my big news. I guess that frees up more time for me to go to the gym and all, because my house no longer feels like a home and I do not like being there. I plan on staying in Vegas, because now is NOT the time to be looking for a job; unless you know of a place that can use a an executive management type, savvy in technology but willing to sweep floors for the right opportunity. Good with my hands too. LOL.

The next few months will allow me to get closer to myself, maybe I Will see some of the things in me others see, but probably not. I can focus on work, school and my guitar now too, so that helps.

So I have dwelt on this long enough, in a few days I'll post again. Peace out. Happy Easter to all my friends and family - remember what today stands for and remember that you too can start over. Slide.

April 6

I would not have gotten out of bed had i read my horoscope first, "today wil suck bad".

I am a sad sad boy today.

March 16

Happy Irish Day in a few hours.
I was thinking how funny it was, my last post. Contreversy abounds. For the record, i wasn't thinking about anybody nor was it writen about anyone person. Haven't you ever started writng and then got distracted? or talking on the phone and forgot what you were talkking about? The comedy on this poem plays on that, and that is all I meant by it.
I am realy not that deep, my peeps.

March 7th

Here is a little poem I wrote to commemerate all the March birthdays out there:

Its March and
Its your Birthday and
That makes it the
Month of your birth
So happy mufu birthday
try not to get a VD
stay away from VD
It can only be bad
when she says she is sad
and she is the last
lady alone at
the
bar
stay away from VD
Bro, seriously, she is not that hot
in fact she may be a dude
I know its your birthday, but
maybe we should have
gone to Wingers instead of
the Velvet Hammer
Ah man, she has an adams apple
and walks a little bo legged.
You are on your own pal
I am out
Stay away from VD and
stay away from that dude
and remember
Happy m to the u to the f to the u
Birthday!

Love.

February 28

Well Black History month is gone for another year. Sigh, I hardly new ye. Remember, a few months ago i bought my way into the Nation of Islam, so the last 28 days have been great for me.
Anyway, in all seriousness family, can anyone tell me the plot that Grandpa Calvin is burried at? Sometime I will tell you why, but this weekend I want to go visit his grave.

February 25th - Part 2

PS - Wicked Garden will return, oh yes. maybe a little more light-hearted, maybe a littel wiser for the journey. Just remember, day one down OF THE REST OF MY LIFE!
PS -Songie, thanks for the comment. You mean very much to me. Come over for dinner soon! Actually, I will call you about that this week!

February 25th - Ash Wednesday

There are things bigger than myself that I cannot explain away in this world. Through science or faith, sometimes I am ata loss to understand them. Whether or not organized religion or church or God is your thing, it is my understanding that doing good deeds toward our community and fellow man is good. so for today, I applaud all organized religious faiths for being strong in their members to desire to assist those in need.

I feel I have been blessed in so many ways, but give back so little. The next few weeks are going to be a time of serious reflection, self-denial (a little is always good for you) and giving of my time. For example, I am giving up television for 6 weeks. I hope you all can support me in this and NOT tell me what has bee hapening on Hells Kitchen, Lost, the Biggest Loser or the sara Conners Chronicles. I plan on watching these shows in about 6 weeks.

I wish I could express in words the way my heart trembles at not loving you all the amount you deserve, or the way it feels to look back at so much wasted time an energy in my short life. I am blessed to know you and thank God for you today.

Sorry if it sounds as if it is Fast and Testimony week. Snoochie Boochie bitches!

February 22nd

Aunti J- thanks for the feedback, I was practicing "free writing", which I have always hated ,in order to get an idea and nothing really came of it. you hit one of my biggest weakness and that is the tense in which my characters appear. In this case it was just an exercise so I can forgive myself, but had that been an edited rough, I would have been pissed. Anyway, now ideas came of it, but thank you anyway. Maybe next time I will write about vampires priests that are getting married all while maintaining a part time job as a mall security guard, since that format is pretty hot right now.

Anyway, Mel and I are back in LV after a really fast visit to the SLC. We will be back in two weeks, and I'd like to get toghther with family. I feel really bad after reading Higbee, the weekend I was going to be there Clark, Heather, everyone, I just couldn't make it.

Here in LV, not a lot of news. Mel is working on becoming a tru audiophile, she went and bought a really nice turntable and receiver and stole her fathers records (lots of 70's yacht rock - Steely Dan, Doobies, etc). I think I will ask me mum to borrow hers next. She just set it up and has the look of a kid on Christmas. Its one of the reasons I love her, her happiness with the simple thigns in life. Any way, if any of my blogfans hgave any wax they want to donate or sell, we are open to EVERYTHING. I lean more toward the 80's eclectic mix (Costello, Black Flag, Tom Tom Club, etc), melanie is a 70's funk, R&B, rock girl.

Its late, I need to shave and studt for school, this semester is almost over, so must get good grades - I am maintaining an A average so far...

OK, time to go, the fight has begun and I need to go to bed.

Clarify!

One thing I LOVE to do, and brohter I mean it, is to clarify my actions!
Clarify! Can I get an amen? AMEN
You see, hmmph, I didn't have what we would call a diagnosed heart attack, hmmph.
Clarify! Can I get a hallelujah? hallellujah!
I had cheeeeest paaaaaain, hah. Swelling of ma faaaaaaace and limbs, ha, and I couldn't walk without feeling like I was on Everest. I took two pills and felt better later.
Clarify! Can I get a glory be? Glory be.
If satan had me in a bad way, I mean a low down dirty shame of a bad way, and I was worried - you all would know! Not through a blog, or twitter, or a page or my cousin Aarons musings. You'd hear it from me, amen.
Clarify! Clarify! Clarify! Preach on.
And speaking of my cousin. Hmmph. We aren't fighting. CLARIFY! We aren't in a spat. CLARIFY! We aren't in a blooood fuuuueed. CLARIFY! We just had words, I had a hasty response to something mean he said and I apologize, it was an emotional response brought on by satan. Damn my tongue. LORD TAKE IT AWAY! CLARIFY!
Phew, it sure is hard doing the clarify sometimes, but sometimes you gots to. CLARIFY and PREACH ON!
Keep on doing the lords work, the lords strange strange work. Amen.

February 9th - Howard

Below is the start to a piece of fiction I am writing, it is entirely in rough draft format and am VERY interested in "constructive criticism", please.

"Howard sat alone at the end of his bed. Still, two different comforters, two sets of pillows and the dreaded shield still adorn the sunken in king-size pillow-top with featherbed. Next to him was his birthday present from last year. All he wanted was a Desert Eagle nine millimeter pistol, he had wanted one since he was gang-banging on the hard streets of Salt Lake City many years ago. He had wanted one because it was the best and Howard always wanted the best; nothing else was ever good enough and that was part of his downfall.

He picked up the loaded gun and looked its matte finish over and over, reading the serial number, caressing the safety catch thinking back to that Christmas movie when all Ralphie wanted was a Red Ryder BB Gun or something. In the end Ralphie got his gun, and it had hurt him too.

You see, Howard always wanted to be the best at everything he tried, thus defying all reality. The problem was that he could never really “get his shit together" as his mother was want to say in his youth, but more on that later. He was absolutely outstanding in a sub-prime body, kind of like putting a Hemi in a Yugo. He shot for the moon, but ended up in Newark. That’s good. He never lost his sense of humor, that Howard. These were the thoughts as he sat contemplating his own death.

His wife had even taken his dog. Actually, the dog entered the marriage with her, so legally it was still hers, but Pete and Howard had a bond. Howard was the first to discover Pete’s penchant for shelling and eating peanuts. That is right, he shelled them first. Many a party night was spent to the entertainment of Howard watching Pete shell the peanut and then eats the nut. Back to Howards wife.

They met and married as a practical joke, very fast romance, very passionate. They shared a love of music and of wine. Like a good wine though, the flavor changes over time, and some times loses its appeal. It seemed as if Howard’s marriage had done that in the end as well. Sour Grapes. Too many fights about stupid things. Too many times calling each other asshole or threatening a divorce or asking why they were still married until one day Howard woke and they were no longer married.

But we are getting ahead of ourselves, or are we behind. We have left Howard sitting with a gun, thinking of suicide. How did this all start, where did it begin. It began
"

February 8

It has been some time since I have written, and I know the masses have sufered. My apologies. I just haven't had much to say. i got to see my cousin Aaron, but that ended bad, with him sendng me a rude text that I over-reacted to on a VERY bad day. But, while I got to see him, it was cool. Song, we need to get together next. Seriously, I am just so turning into my mom. Speakng of which, please kep her in your prayers as she is now new to the net and the forces of evil are just waiting to pull down her PC.
What the F*** is up with Christian Bale, man? I mean Je*** Chr***!!! I think he may F***ing want to kick someone's F***ing A**, man.
How do I know Melanie is gay? She smokes Capris.
Ta for now.

January 21

Wait a damn minute. Where is all this change I was promised? If i am not mistaken, I was under the impresion from all the campagning that Mr. Obama would be fixing the economy, ending the war and giving out reparations. Hello? Its just as bad today as it was Fridy.

I kind of miss Uncles DICK and GEORGE.

Barackathon! 1/20

Not since the movie, A Brofair to Rememblack, have I been so moved by anticipation.
Gimme a B
Gimme an A
nevermind..
for those interested in the biggest loser, and want the link. Go to my Pound for Pound widget on the right side of the screen. Ta for now.

January 18

I have been eating right and workng out a little for the last few weeks, but i just found out about this Biggest Loser Pound for Pound challenge. Starting tomorrow, for every pound I report I lose through April 19, they will donate a pound of food to local ood banks up to 30 pounds.

Go take a look and join me.

31-17

They said it couldn't be done. They were too small, from a weak conference. Playing at this level was not what they are about But one thing Bama and the rest of the nation didn't count ON was the Utes heart and desire to prove that they are as good as their record shows In my heart, the Utes ARE the national champion. What other team went 13-0 this year, and defeat a team that came within 1 game of playing for the national title? Damn the BCS.

I am truly inspired, this win, plus reading the blogs from the folks over at the Window and way over at Higbee, have moved me. Truly, and I want to say thank you to AJ and the big S for giving me a much needed dose of positivity.

I have a small dream to Song, its not like something i want to ad to my life resume, but its the first step in being able to do those kind of things.

I am calling it Project Lagoon. Its silly, but my goal is to lose as much weight by April 4th as possible, in a healthy way of course I have a goal number of 60 lbs. The reason it is called Project Lagoon is because we try to take the boys to Lagoon on opening day. Well, two years ago, i was embarrassed and humiliated when I tried to ride a ride with the boys and was told I was too big for the safety restraint.
Hence, my comeback this year. I figure if I lose 60 lbs, I can ride all the rides again. And maybe, just maybe, come September Song, i can run in the LV sprint triathlon like I want. If I do not fear it.

Dec 31 - Rated R by the BWAA (Language)

I haven't blogged much, and for that, it is probably a good thing. I haven't had much to say. I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas. Melanie informed me yesterday that she and her sister might be going to London later this year. I don't get it, i ask her to go down the street with me and I get a big fuck you; London, without me, hell yeah! Melanie can suck it. Wendy, I think I want Melanie to attend your seminar then I can be on your panel of men. I can be disgruntled.
My toilet is leaking too.
I go back to school next week, that should be entertaining here in the LV.
Originally my plan was to go downtown for new years, but Melanie has decided she doesn't want to. See my London rant above.
If you haven't seen the TV show, "Summer Heights High" on HBO, you are missing out. It is a fictional mockumentary based in an Australian 7-12 school. Lines from Jonah, a year 8 student keep me coming back; for example "No sir, I'd look like a homo going and running around the oval every time I got pissed at someone. Get fucked sir.". Jonah is in an anger management class learning behaviors to help him get by. Classic. "Fuck you miss. I said Puck you, with a P, miss. Can't you spell or sumshit?"
Here are your lucky numbers this week: 7,3,11,17,5,2
I have been working on a dark short story, perhaps I will publish a piece of it here. It is a crossroads story involving 3 serial killers who have never met, but their lives interconnect for the briefest of moments.
I better go wash the stank from me now, I have to be to work soon. Props and love all.

Dec 5

I guess my last post was a little cryptic (intended), but my previous two were not intended to be - i was trying to be brutally honest with myself about how I am. It sounds like I may have confused or scared a couple people based on the posted replies and email I received.
Everything is kosher, I promise. I was just measuring my inadequacies, thinking about them and trying to decide where they resided in my psyche so I could confront them and move past them - and hopefully remove a lot of the sad barrier that has been dwelling within me for about 2 months. I just sometimes don't have the words, and my speech becomes flowery or full of imagery. The above paragraph really summed it all up! : )
Now, for my cryptic post, it is a two-fold message, the Hebrew saying is basically translated as life begins anew today. This reminds me that whatever has happened, happened - move forward as much as possible (like Rocky said in Rocky Balboa, "Its not how hard you hit; its how hard you get hit and keep coming back"). The Latin phrase is from the movie American Flyers (I bet Dennis and song new it right away), it means, Once you've got it up, keep it up (I REALLY do have it on a tee-shirt Dennis, you want one? Come over and we will watch it and Breaking Away, Melanie doesn't understand them...).
Finally the Jesus Wept reference was just to remind me that Jesus also had tears of sadness and doubt, and if he did, its OK for me too.
So really, it was a positive affirmation that I can be whoever I want ANY day, and that once I set my goal, keep driving and YES its OK for boys to cry.
I have to post on lighter note tomorrow. I just read a book by AJ Jacobs called "My Year of Living Biblically". It is hilarious, thought provoking, sad, weird and a great read about an author who decides for one year he will live by as many of the rules as he can in the bible (over 700), and live by them literally (he actually stones an adulterer). Its great. Look for more tomorrow. And for those who worry, for now, I am good and love you all.

Dec 3

החיים מתחיל עכשיו
IMPossible
Res Firma Mitescere Nescit
John 11:35, or did he?
Of course he did.
Silly.

Dec 1

Not out of the woods of my recent neuroses, but have been taking steps in the right direction. Its funny that this should happen during the time of Advent. In the Christian church this is a time to prepare the way for your master. To be ready when He appears. Metaphorically they are speaking about repentance and preparing your mind and soul for Jesus second appearance as savior. It is also a perfect time for self reflection; a spring-cleaning, if you will. As Bill W's friends would say, this is a perfect time to "take inventory" and clean out the clutter.

We all have regret, guilt and dismay from time to time, and most of us do well at containing those breaches in our emotional barrier. This week, it was hard for me to do that. I felt as if a "Perfect Storm" of emotion hit and I was overwhelmed.

I miss my family so much more than I thought i would, and now am falling into the pattern of not being able to come up every weekend like before and it is crushing me. I KNOW Alex is disappointed, I KNOW Valarie thinks I am playing games, but i am not. I just have always been a magnet for unusual events.

Anyway, this is my roundabout way of apologizing for whining the other day. I have to go get ready for work, Remember, the lord giveth and the lord taketh away, so those skills, items, thoughts you have today may be gone tomorrow. God Willing.

Peace.

November 29

Before I lament, I hope everybody had a great Turkey Day. I WISH I could have been up in Salt Lake, but apparantly the powers that be hate me.

Oops, I began to lament and whine. Theory on whining? Its like a rocking chair; sure, it gives you something to do, but you get nowhere. Maybe right now I do not feel like going anywhere.

Since shortly after my divorce, I have felt "in control|" of my life and the events around me. Other than the year i lived in Mesa with Mel, I have felt strong in the conviction that mentally and emotionally I was prepared for whatever life throws at me.

I have lost this feeling recently. I do not feel depressed, so I do not want to go there, I think depression is physical and mental, mine is more of an emotional state of confusion. I cannot think of a word but it would wrap lethargic, lost and loss of pride into one word. unprithargost? Sounds like a rash.

I am venting, here, becasue right now it is my safe haven. These words are tangible, and they exist - therefore I am grounded in a state in which the world does not confuse me, make sense?

for about a month now I have felt that the world, my world specifically, is unravelling around me. Things I love are disppearing or distancing themsleves from me. This is similar to the corporate world where someone is getting fired, he becomes a pariah. That is how I feel to myself, a pariah - I am cutting my id off from my ego, and it is numbing me.

Anyway, I do not know if I am reaching out as much as sending a signal that my thoughts are expanding into a world that is slowly shoring up and shrinking. There is no depression here, just confusion, forgive me for ranting - maybe its the holidya, maybe today its triggered by my grandfather in the hospital, maybe its my boys who I seem to be losing, maybe its just in the water. Maybe its me.

November 22

Its official, I am a member of the Nation of Islam. I bought my way in today. Kind of ironic, they got paid from me, th white devil to fight my power. I love it. Chuck D would roll over in his grave.

Actually, all that happened was I bought a paper from them whil the walked through the streets to ge donations. Still funny.

November 20

It would be nice if I could say that I have been away composing my thoughts, getting ready to post a motivational post like my cousin pulls off, but no. I have just been surrounded by negativity and poor vibes the last few weeks. for a jacktard like myself, its hard to function, we argue, but I do not know what I'd do without Melly.

I don't have much to say now, I just wanted you all to now /I was still alive and kicking. I will be posting later today or by tomorrow.

Peace\

November 4

GO VOTE!
Paid for by Obama for president

October 27

i didn't really thank my family for coming to see me, I know everyone had their own motivation for coming down and it drew the Vegas crowd in different directions. song, great dinner, you and yours need to come see us now. J and J, I am just glad that I got to see what I saw of you, tell P to stop saying Bullshit. M & D, you are always welcome, the door is forecer unlocked for you.

This last weekend in Utah was about rest. If I didn't call or say I was in town, please do not be offended, I was fariy ill anyway, and it was a well deserved break just to spend time with the boys.

So Condie Rice as president of the 49ers? Wow.

I have found myself desiring to write, not within the context of a blog, or a journal or whathaveyou; but in earnest write a narrative, but like all those before me, or maybe its just me, I can't get an idea flowing. Any ideas from my artistic readers?

I begin a new life tomorrow as do you, don't take it for granted - kiss someone special and tell them you love them (even if they are tired of hearing it).

Ocotber 25

Greetings from Salt Lake (ain't not party like a salt lake party, cause a salt lake party don't stop!).
Its been a few weeks since I rapped at you. In the between times, I had visitors from the SLC, finally saw my cousin Song, heard my cousin Aaron is getting married, my cousin Spencer got married, phew!! I need a Staycation.

Things are going "OK". Missed a business dinner Thursday and I think my boss is PISSED. I will know on Monday.

Anyway, gotta run, more fun time to be had.

Oh - I saw Alex in his swim meet yesterfay, he did awesome. 6th overall (2nd out of Cyprus) in his 50m Freestyle Heat and 4th overall (1st out of Cyprus) in his 50m Backstroke. Way to go lil man.

Rocktober 7

Hola Bitches! I am back. OK, that was rude, it just is fun to say "Bitches" after everything, it is so Puerto Rican gay, you know? Not that all Puerto Ricans are gay, or that to be gay you have to use the word bitch, nor be a bitch to love Puerto Ricans, not at all. In fact, Puerto Rico isn't even a state, so therefore English isn't required, so they probably don't even say Bitches that much, the say puto, or some crazy made up word like that. All I know is that there is nothing more funny than a skinny gay John Leguizamo wanna be Puerto Rican with short shorts and a tank top saying "hola bitches".

OK, for now, I have to go to work so Ciao Bitches!

September 28

I cry. Its funny to me, and hard at the same time. We laugh at ourselves, and that is OK. We laugh at me and that is OK, its funny what makes me cry. Sometimes I find myself just sitting there and I am overwhelmed by the world and I get a tear in my eye. I don't cry like I just lost somebody, its more mellow than that.
Sometimes I hear the right three chords to my favorite song and I cry, sometimes its just watching the biggest loser. I am a sensitive man and I find myself asking, does that take away from my masculinity? am I less of the caveman because I get all to wrapped up in the small and far between goodness in life that I glimpse? I spend my time too much being cynical, that I am under-developed and ill prepared for these moments.
All it takes is to hear my boys call me from 500 miles away. All it takes is to think of growing old with Melanie. Sometimes all it takes is for Bruce Willis to save us from another terrorist/asteroid/disaster. All it takes is to think of failure. All it takes is to think of success.
I cry and I am OK with that today.

September 21st

Back in Las Vegas, unable to sleep. Not 100% sure what the issue is, but hey, party. It was a good weekend in Utah, spent the time with family. We had a party for all the September birthdays which was awesome, that was over at the Higbee Circus grounds (Come one, come all, the stage is set, the clownshoes are in and our master of ceremonies is about to begin!).
Yesterday was also the anniversary of my nuptialsto Melanie. I love you dear. Happy fifth, here is to five more.
I have been dreaming of my grandmother (great, great?) and her house that my parents and I lived in as caretaker when I was a child. I have been having dreams which frankly, freak me out a bit. These dreams are revealing and at the same time, make the hair on the back of my neck sneak up a bit remembering right now.
A lof of what I felt in that house was written off to childhood fantasy and the like, but I tell you, in all honesty I have seen things and done things and have heard things since, that make me know that there was some entitiy in that house (more than one). To this day, I am even a little nervous driving by it.
Here is a good example of a positive from there; I remember with vivid detail making small boat out of wood and leaves and floating it in the deep ditch in front of the property. I remember more than once doing this and also playing above the garage. What I remember is that I had a babysitter who was kind and pretty. She had long dark hair and was about 16. Her name was Sissy, she always seemed to be there when I was a little sad or scared. This person does not exist. I have asked my mother, and others, several times about my sitter names Sissy. They have no idea who I am talking about.
OK, here it gets intersting, and my ex wife can vouch for this part. When Alex was about 4-5(same age as I was in this house), Valarie or I would catch him talking to someone in his room, and laughing and such. We asked him once and he said he was talking to his friemd, Sissy. Sissy had long dark hair and was pretty like mommy. The room was empty save Alex.
OK, how freaky is that? This is not me being goofy for once, but it is something that has always intrigued me. Do we have a guardian angel in our midst named Sissy? I am nervous to turn awound from my monitor right now, to see her standing there.
Don't even get me started about Sue and Glen's hosue at 3088 Robinwood Drive, right Song? The downstiars freaking bathroom?
OK, I need to go drink some tea, go to bed. Please forgive me my jaunt down scary lane, maybe it is my mind wrapping around my own mortality, or maybe getting ready for the season. Who knows.
I loved visiting everyone this week, especially you, boyos! See you all soon!

The tree of liberty...

...must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants.

That is a quote from our third president, Thomas Jefferson. I believe this happens to be one of the most overused and misused quotes of all time. I fell it is appropriate to think about this quote today, 9/11/2008 - in honor of those who gave their lives as well as those who continue to make the ultimate sacrifice today.

However, I have had a change of heart in how I chose to respond today. I believe it is entirely a good thing to take some time and quietly reflect on the tragedy of 9/11 and the ripple impact it has had; but what better way to defeat terrorism AND send a message to our government about our priorities then to act locally.

Volunteer at a soup kitchen, make the homeless sandwhiches, frop by a shut-in, write a letter, make sure you have a buck for that guy that asks for change EVERY FREAKING DAY, forgive somebody for hurting you, kiss someone special, kiss someone not so special (but no tongue for them), try not to spend money on yourself today - but spend a little to better soeone or something, plant a tree, donate money or time to a worthy cause-not political. I said worthy.

I think if we change teh paradigm in our mind and remember to be vigilante but not afraid, to be thankful and respectful we will overcome the malaise that has set this once great country down.

I love you all, and wish you a happy, quiet, productive, thoughtful and special 9/11.

September 7th

Growing up Hildebrand isn't like growing up in most families. Its dysfunctional, loving, silly, entertaining, upsetting, rewarding and more than anything, for me, growing up Hildebrand has been educational.

In a lot of ways, this family can resemble high school. How so? Well, you either fit in and have the greatest time of your life, or you don't, and you are miserable for a good portion of your time as a whole.

At one time or another, most of the grandkids didn't fit in. Our own choices in lifestyle, chemicals of choice, relationship or any other thing has caused heartache on everyone. Like Ally Sheedy in Breakfast Club, we are the dark girl sitting in the corner wondering and watching as others in the family's life goes by. We cry, yell, withdraw and overcompensate with booze better than anyone.

The neat thing is though, like in High School, sometimes the nerd gets the girl and in this family, you are never written off, even if you have cussed grandma out for ripping your favorite Gap sweatshirt. Once you are a Hildebrand, you are in for life. Kind of like being a Blood, but without most of the gunplay and hip-hop.

In this family we have right wing nut jobs, lemonade drinking liberals. Artists, athletes and pilots. We run rivers, we run races, we ride bikes. We hike, we camp (except for my mom), we shout from the top of the mountain. Some of us are a little Siskel, some of us Ebert; a lot of us country, but the rest of us rock and roll. Some of us are out there doing it, while some of us just report it (for now).

The Hildebrand banner stretches from Alaska (for part of the year) to the Caribbean (wait, Heather, you are totally being selfish in cornering the travel market here!). We have taken our proud name all over the world; There has been a Hildebrand on almost every continent, not even the other families on Evergreen can say that! Suck it Evergreen.

Hildebrands have increased our family name by bringing one or two or three new Hildebrands into our fold, and sometimes letting one two or three get away, but its all cool, our exes are always welcome to of our family dinners.

We won't always agree, we will probably hold a grudge against on of our own at some time, even for years; but it will fade. We won't always see eye to eye on most things, that is what makes us so fantastic. It is a remarkable thing and we need to treasure our differences in politics, religion and whether or not to start watering down grandmas wine at 6 or 7 glasses.

A lot of the times we do things that hurt each other; our priorities aren't always the same, that is a guarantee. We judge ourselves too often and too harshly on who attended this or who didn't come to that. Who was invited here, who wasn't. I mean seriously, no wonder we are all divorced at one point or another, we can't even agree to get together as a family all that often.
But when we do, we come from thousands of miles to celebrate each other, to love each other and to keep the Hildebrand name alive.

I don't see my Hildebrand clan near enough, and now removing myself to the suburbs of Vegas, I will see them less - except for the Johns clam, who, in a month here, I have not seen yet. One thing I have learned though, is that if I offer a warm bed, a lot of food and wine, and a party - they will come. Oh yes, they will come.

I have learned so much from this family, and have taken so much - trying to give more these days, that I could write novels and novels on just grandmas sarcasm or grandpas lousy Spanish accent when he is telling one of his humorous off colors. I can't remember every detail of every day of growing up Hildebrand, but I do know that I am blessed to be part of this gang. Our colors run, but they never fade.

So from Christmas in Winnemucca to Oreos on grandmas face, We are fathers, mothers, sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, uncles, aunts, grandparents, cousins, exes, friends, wives, husbands, soldiers, masons, artisans, artists, pilots, idiots, comedians, corporate geeks, floaters, travelers, dreamers, Sisters, Elders, Ministers, preachers, players, gossips, blowhards, speakers, writers, readers and singers. We all are...

Hildebrand 4 life

Tune in, Turn on and Drop out

Timothy Leary or Ken Kessey, whose side are you on?
Anyway, not why I am here now.
It appears that Thanksgiving will not be held in Salt Lake for me and mine, but rather, at the lovely Texas Station Buffet, where it is Thanksgiving year round. With both Melanie and I being the low "men" on our respective totem poles, we both will most likely be working the day after the holiday. I am going to try to fly the boys down, I THINK it is my year with them.
I would love to convince the family to take the short 5.5 hour drive down, I can put 2 groups up, and direct others to a beautiful hotel, but I do not think it is going to happen. That is one of the pains of moving away.
The job here is going well, Mel starts hers on Monday, so that is exciting. Other than that, we just keep on being Hildebrand. Watch for that post, "Being Hildebrand" it is coming up.

September 1st

So I missed my chance to see "40 years ago today" a very special Beatles tribute at the Texas Station; featuring Todd Rundgren (Bang on my drums all day, Hllo, its me), Lou Graham (Cold as Ice and other Foreginer songs) and finally, american Idol contestant, Bo Bice.

Wow. At only 32.00 a pop, I could have heard these three warblew their way through some of my favorite songs. Too bad I had to wash the dog last night.

On that note, Billy Idol is coming to town, and I know a certain person in Virginia who would be jealous if I went...."Don't talk to Billy Idol like that".

I DID watch Accross the Universe finally and it is freaking AWESOME! A backstory to this is that one of my all time favorite movies, mostly due to the magic of the music and show when I was a child, is Sgt Peppers Lonely Hearts Club band. If you haven't seen it, basically there is no dialogue, it is just the story of an up and coming band versus en evil empire, told by Beatles songs (picture the greedy Dougy Shears rolling around in stacks of money singing "you never give me your money", or the hero walking down the road antagonizing singing "The Long and Winding Road), kind of schtick, but great!!!

Well, Accross the Universe is BASICALLY the same show with a touch more dialogue and the story is about love, and war and peace and change and love, because love hurts, love bites, love is a many splendored thing and when it comes down to it, all you need is love. Amen brohter, ending on that note.

Becoming Local

Its funny, the way Vegas works its way under your skin. I have been a visitor here many times, mainly in the downtown area - we avoided the strip as much as possible. However, on the rare occassion where a strip visit was needed, I didn't mind the Paris Hilton wannabees, Juan handing out the number to girls who actually wnted to be with me later that night, the folks who all they want to do is give me 2 free show tickets a free drink and diner, for a mere thiry minuted of my time. It was no problem.
Now, though, after one month, I find some of my feelings have changed. As you know I play a lot of poker. The best place to make money at poker is on the strip (due to the vcariance of players), so I visit Caesers and Planet Hollywood a lot (I love PH). Now though, when I am cruising the strip, I am nothing if not annoyed at the crowds, I want Paris Hilton choked, Juan deported and to cram the show tickets up someones...
Well, you get the idea. I drive down the road and think to myself, go home, locals only.
Then I think to myself, why do I fell like such a jackass?
Here are my rules to know when you have become more local than visitor:
1. Restaruant eating actually happens at restaurants, not casino bufffets
2. You actually know that you better get off Main before it converts to the boulevard
3. With dim acceptance you know that there is no such thing as rush "hour"
4. Going along with traffic, you don't say North, South, West, or East, Its North Vegas, McCarran, Summerlin and Henderson
5. Everywhere is 20 minutes away, even your local grocery store
6. Your stop smiling every time you see a rack of booze and a video poker machine inside your Chevron
7. There are reltivley few birthed locals here, everyone is at one point or another, a tourist
8. You swear off the strip, but find yourself more than you intend.
9. Places like Treasures, Scores, Monty's all mean something to someone
and finally
10. You accept the fact that it is indeed a dry heat.

Good bye for now.

Hi

Have been doing a lot of thinking lately about the jackass. I am nit talking about the donkey / mule hybrid. I am talking about the red-blooded, American made jackass. I was driving to work today and had to stop for gasoline, Now, for those who have never commuted in Las Vegas, you will not understand that this is not a 5 minute process, this is a 15 minute commitment. Not only do you have to break out of traffic, but then you have to somehow, like charging the beaches at Normandy or a salmon swimming upstream, fight your way back into the fold. Sometimes, rarely, you will get the kind person who actually lets you in (then guns around you at their first opportunity). Today was one of those days for me, or so I thought.
I was driving down MLK JR BLVD, NDOT has decided that the free-way entrance just down the street from my house is too convenient, I passed one of the 14 gas stations, 12 churches and Pat’s Chinese Takeout Gas Station and Mini Mart (you think I am kidding, ask AJ and Scooge, ‘You like #6 unleaded with eggroll?’) to my favorite convenience store, Terrible’s Gas and Go. I bought my gas and my morning Amp and was fired up and ready to seize another 106 degree Vegas Day (actually, this morning it was a little cool, so I drove into work with my windows down).
As I pulled into the exit of the station, a man in a pickup truck flagged me in. As I pulled out, he guns his engine, proceeds to give me the bird and just laughs. That is the type of red-blooded American jackass I am talking about. Eventually, I fought my way back in, and in record time, but I was still in shock, that was just CRAZY! Daniel Tosh tells a story in his standup routine about walking by a truck just as it honks its horn, and he was startled. The guy in the truck calls out, ‘queer’ and starts to drive away. ‘What do you say to that kind of a-hole? Apparently he is ready to go to war.’
America is the last bastion of freedom, and God bless this guy for expressing not only his freedoms, but his age and intelligence as well.

I so need adult conversation instead of casino rhetoric.

We will be back in Salt Lake on Saturday the 6th and Sunday the 7th (until about 5PM on the 7th). We are thinking about taking the boys to Lagoon on Sunday from like 11 to 5, maybe you all can join us?

I think I will be seeing the Johns clan this weekend, so that will be fun for a visit!

I think the fall will be beautiful here, and I would love for the family to come down and visit. I think Jayme and Carey are coming in Rocktober, and wow, how cool would it be for more of the family to come and visit? I seriously have two wonderful rooms and bath, plus A LOT of extra space, and breakfast is included (on weekends) in the stay. Come on down to casa Hildebrand. If you are REALLY lucky, you will get a guitar show each night too!

I better go back to work, I am pretty lonely today and needed to talk.

Sad

Its only been two days, and I miss them already. [insert extreme frowny face here]

Inspiration

I have been dawdling around watching the Olympics. I have not made a schedule to watch, but it does seem that in relationship to swimming I have been catching the finer points of the games. For example, I saw Mr. Phelps reach 7 of 8 while playing in a poker tourney Friday night at Caesar's and then catch 8 of 8 on the Internet last night before bed.

I have found true inspiration in this young man. 23 years old, 16 medals in the Olympics, 14 of them gold - 8 in one year. That is impressive enough, nut when you realize the day to day routine that this man has put himself through to reach this pinnacle, it is truly amazing.

Understandably, he is genetically built for swimming, but still that doesn't have anything to do with the lap where you are a head behind with 15 meters left and you pull it out to win. That is heart and training right there.

9 and 1/2 hours in the gym DAILY, 12,000 calories, DAILY. He is a machine. I asked myself last night, can I find 2 hours daily to better myself? I work 9-10 hour, sometimes longer, days with a total commute of 1.5 hours and sleep about 6.5. That leaves me 6 hours daily that right now, I am not doing anything with. Even with school, I would still have at least 3 hours daily.

I am going to fill those three hours with something positive. Writing, exercise, music -it doesn't mater as long as I can show something for my work at the end of those three hours - hell, it could be letter writing, or like Laura (see her posts through other links), refinishing furniture I find at the thrift store.

I hope that in some way, I can touch the world through this experience.

VERY IMPORTANT

Hi. In changing over to a new ISP in Las Vegas, I did not source my address book in Outlook before deleting the profile (normal ID 10 T error). SO, I have lost 99% of my family and friends email accounts. The email address you all had for me before is still valid, PLEASE, over the next few days send me your email address there so that I ca update my address book on my new provider. Also, let anyone know who does not read my blog.

PS - The email address will only be effective for 5 more days.

Danke

Write your congressman

OK, I am going to catch flack over my new picture, but those wo really know me understand the context in which I posted it. The others, write your congressman. It is damn funny.

Hello, I like you.

What a week eh? I just got internet service reconnected like 10 minutes ago, so what is the first thing do? Post here. I will give you some quickies:
1. Moved in, it is awesome to have so much room. You could fit my old apartment on the ground floor
2. Melanie moves here in a week, I miss her. Sort of.
3. Alex fell in love with a Rio cocktail waitress. Sigh, his heart will be broken.
4. Job is going swell. I really enjoy those with whom I work so far. The gentleman who interviewed me and was going to be my boss left the company shortly after my hire. He has not been replaced. Yet. Watch for updates.
Other than that, life here in Vegas is similar to life in Salt Lake, except I am living it in a sauna. I can't wait for the Johns crew to come back home and then we can visit.
Going to run for now. Thinking of you all, and will post later. I will be getting a cox.com email address soon - just because of our internet provider. I will update you when I do.
Peace and love

YEAH!!!!

We just got the call. We got it! WOO-HOO, now we can move in peace!

Anyway, now it feels real, and can breath a sigh of relief. The plan is still fairly hectic; we will be signing our lease tomorrow morning and then driving home. We will stat packing on Thursday and all day Friday. Saturday morning its time to finish packing and load the truck (except for the items Melanie needs for a couple weeks), so there is a truck loading party Saturday and you are invited!
Sunday we make the final move; the boys, Mel and I will be leaving around 4 AM on Sunday and getting into town about 6 hours later then the huge UNLOAD!!
Phew! I could do with one more day off, but I start work on Monday.
Anyway, I am excited and scared and relieved. Talk to you soon.