September 7

I was driving through the gorge when he sun caught a speck of insect intestine just right, the light shot directly into my eyes. I found my own mind exploding onto itself, sending shockwaves up and down my psyche. I separated my body in the car from my mind, out of fear that this new blinding explosion would cause an accident.

The explosion finally ceased and I could not see. I felt myself chained somehow at the wrists and ankles quite firmly. I was weak. There was a thick oily darkness swimming just in front of my eyes. It felt wrong but it also felt somehow familiar. I could feel the bindings on my wrist; they were attached to some kind of cold stone, ice cold. I yelled out.

“Hello! Are you out there?”

I couldn’t see anyone but I could here voices.

“We are here Mike”
“We see you”
“You can do it”

The voices were quite mute, and far away, I didn’t recognize the voices. The mist cleared just a little bit, like smoke, and I could see marble pillars lying on the ground, all seemed to be in shape, except for one that appeared to be shattered. I looked up to where I felt the sky would be and could feel that I was in some type of box. A room or a building, not very big, but it held me. It seemed to hold all of me and my thoughts. The roof was being held up by two large black pillars.

I was cuffed to these two pillars; they were made of marble but were black like Onyx and had a dull shine. I felt these pillars to be wrong, but safe. Like I had been with them my whole life, but I didn’t remember them being so big.

“Mike, Come over with us”
“Just do it”
“We need you”

I understood the voices but could still not see the speakers, the last voice sounded familiar but I couldn’t place it. I wanted to go to them, but I couldn’t see them, I couldn’t find them, I was alone; I pulled against the pillar and for just a brief second it moved. Not enough to unbind me, but it moved.

“HELP”, I yelled into what was becoming grayness, “Please!”

I felt the voices wanting to help, but they couldn’t, they could not help me with this. I became aware I needed to get away from these two black pillars; they controlled my life as I was bound to them. I struggled, I made promises, and I pulled this way and that and only barely moved them. Weakly, I leaned into the chains to get rest. Out of breath I looked around for something that could help.

I noticed a word at the bottom of the pillar to my left, it said FEAR. Fear? What did that mean? I was afraid of spiders sure, but fear? As I looked closer, I noticed that the chain and cuff really were not holding me. I was holding the chain in a death grip.

“He is beginning to understand!” an excited voice called out, “Let go! Please”.

Let go? I had been attached to this pillar for so long, I didn’t think I could. For the briefest of seconds I let go. The darkness receded a bit and I could see people. Not their features, but people. I immediately grabbed the chain again and thought to myself how horrible it would be for that many people to see me like this. How could I dare? I looked to the bottom of the second black pillar and saw the word SHAME.

Immediately I broke down to tears. This pillar I had been holding onto as well, not the other way around. Hoe could I have gone so long without knowing this?

“Mike, let go”

Again, the voice that sounded so familiar to me.

I trusted in the voice and closed my eyes, I let go of the chains that had bound me so strongly and stepped out of the shadow of these two pillars that had clouded my mind for so long. The ground shook and I almost reached for the chain, but I pulled my hand back just in time, for the ground opened and swallowed the two pillars and immediately closed up. I turned to where I saw the people.

There were too many to count. Some I recognized, some I knew very well. Some I had hurt and others I did not know. They were all smiling and clapping, some crying with joy. In the middle of the room was a reflecting pond. I looked a mess. Ragged and tired, but there was a spark in my eye not there before. In the pond I could see white and alabaster marbled pillars behind me. I realized these were the pillars on the ground. I knew I had to pick them up. They had words like, HONESTY, VIRTUE, CHARITY, and HEATLH. I so wanted to pick them up, but they were too heavy. I yelled to the group to come help me, I was almost done. Sadness rang in their face, and someone cried out,

“He’s not ready”

“Not ready? I have let go of fear and shame? What else is there”?

As one, the group pointed to pieces of marble with red and blue veins that lay in crumbles on the floor, almost without number. I didn’t know what to do, I felt so empty and alone, nobody would help me. I stood weeping, unsure of myself and missing my pillars. I felt a tug at my waist and turned and before me stood my son Adam.

He held out his hands as if in a cup and he said, “I love you dad”.

“I love you too son”, and tried to hold his hands but he wouldn’t take mine. He looked at the ground in front of him. I saw in the line behind him people I knew, my son Alex, my parents, in-laws, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, friends. Most I recognized some I had never met. They all were smiling again, and holding their hands the same way Adam was.

“I love you dad”, Adam said again beaming at me. I loved him to, but was confused. He could tell, so in the way Adam does things, out of the corner of his mouth he said “Pick up the rock, dad”.

I looked down and saw one of the special pieces of rock. I picked it up and it felt so warm and so right. It was like a meadow of wildflowers exploding in my mind; like hot soup on a cold day. I didn’t want to ever give this feeling up. Until I looked down at Adam and saw his smile. Who better to share this with?

As I lay the rock in his hands, I said “I love you too son”. Adam took the rock and walked over to a pillar stand. He laid it carefully and meticulously on the stand and then stepped away, I saw the word LOVE on the pillar stand and the warmth and love I felt was magnified ten times more than when I held it to myself.

I spent what felt like the rest of the day handing these love rocks to people I knew and people I didn’t, people who looked well to do and people who looked worse off than I. At the end of the day the pillar stood strong and tall and all the people I had shared love with stood around it admiring its beauty. But I noticed an imperfection. One stone missing. I looked all around, I couldn’t see it.

“Hello Michael”

It was the voice I had recognized. There in front of me, naked, stood a man. I recognized him at once, and no Song, it was not Jesus. I stood facing myself. Not the self that I was ashamed of, but the self that others saw, the self I could be, the self I was to become. Toned, healthy and in shape. Strong of character and loyalty, loving and caring; honest and charitable he stood before me.

“I love you”, he said to me with just a small tear in his eye.

Trembling, I took the rock from his hands, and made my way to the pillar. I felt a thousand hands on me pushing me toward the pillar, making me feel right. I placed the rock in the hole and said, “I love you too”.

“Great”, he said snapping his fingers, “Now we have some work to do” and then a light flashed.

I was driving through the gorge.