November 29

Before I lament, I hope everybody had a great Turkey Day. I WISH I could have been up in Salt Lake, but apparantly the powers that be hate me.

Oops, I began to lament and whine. Theory on whining? Its like a rocking chair; sure, it gives you something to do, but you get nowhere. Maybe right now I do not feel like going anywhere.

Since shortly after my divorce, I have felt "in control|" of my life and the events around me. Other than the year i lived in Mesa with Mel, I have felt strong in the conviction that mentally and emotionally I was prepared for whatever life throws at me.

I have lost this feeling recently. I do not feel depressed, so I do not want to go there, I think depression is physical and mental, mine is more of an emotional state of confusion. I cannot think of a word but it would wrap lethargic, lost and loss of pride into one word. unprithargost? Sounds like a rash.

I am venting, here, becasue right now it is my safe haven. These words are tangible, and they exist - therefore I am grounded in a state in which the world does not confuse me, make sense?

for about a month now I have felt that the world, my world specifically, is unravelling around me. Things I love are disppearing or distancing themsleves from me. This is similar to the corporate world where someone is getting fired, he becomes a pariah. That is how I feel to myself, a pariah - I am cutting my id off from my ego, and it is numbing me.

Anyway, I do not know if I am reaching out as much as sending a signal that my thoughts are expanding into a world that is slowly shoring up and shrinking. There is no depression here, just confusion, forgive me for ranting - maybe its the holidya, maybe today its triggered by my grandfather in the hospital, maybe its my boys who I seem to be losing, maybe its just in the water. Maybe its me.