Hey, thanks for stopping by. I want thoe people who read my blog to understand how much I appreciate them, its family and a few friends and I am blessed that you all reach out to me. Thanks Jenny, Aunt J, and yes, mom (who doesn't know how to comment, but sure leaves no doubt!) for your support love and thoughts.
I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea, I have too much to live for to do anything stupid, but I just wanted to express how I feel as if i am standing on the precipice of my life. i have lost a lot, but still can gain - soon my life will change one way or the other, I just don't feel in control any longer. I am a stranger in my own house, I drift.
What keps me anchored is the love of my boys, the love of my family and oddly, music. Sometimes I catch myself thinking about something, say, fishing - next thing I know, I am actually physically going through the motions of casting and reeling in, laughing. Sometimess I will thing of taking adrink, and again, without a drink, go through the motions. I srop things for no reason. This is why I am feeling insane, becasue I know what needs to happen, I just can't do it. I feel as if I need to be committed. Melanie has given up on me (rightly, I understand - i just wonder what part of sickness and health we left out of the vows?), and i feel about to.
I can't go on this way. Seriously. I don't even know how to approach a therapist, "Say, Doc, maybe you haven;t noticed, but i am a land whale and, um, i can't do anything about it. Help".
I don't understand. I love you. talk to you again soon.
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Hey,
ReplyDeleteI know you are struggeling. I know you feel like no one can fully understand and likely so. Really who fully understands any of us? No one can really comprehend or fathom anyone else to their depths. I much of the time don't feel like I even understand myself, why I do the things I do, how I got to where I am.
What I do know is that you are valuable. You have infinite worth, the problem is you don't know it. If we all could realize our full potential and value the world would be very different. You are not alone, and I don't think you are crazy.
I DO think that therapy would be good. And yeah, go in and say, I have some issues, I don't know what they all are, or what to do about it, I just need help. It's not so wierd.
I am working on getting into therapy for what is like the 100th time in my life because I can't figure my stuff out and I am sad a lot of the time. Remember that conversation we had on Sue's lawn about a million years ago and we talked about how you felt like I was the "golden" child and you hated me a little bit for it? Remember what I told you about the fear of failing and the fear of what would happen if I srewed up? I still feel that way. Every day I do fail, it is human, it is essential to our learning on the earth, but I hate myself every time I make the littlest mistake. THink about how it must be for me to have a child with a disability. . .Do you think God is trying to teach me something?? Yeah, like I said, I am headed to therapy myself.
I love you, yes, you have a weight problem, yes you are human and you fail. BUT, you are hilarious, you are very intelligent, you are a good person! If nothing else remember you have a lot of people that care about you, think the world of you and would be devestated if anything happened to you. And not just the boys. . .
Please call me and hang out, if nothing else but to help me, I am crazy with these wild ones I chase every day!! Ask my mom, she was witness to my life for a full week!! SCARY!!
Ditto on the therapist. Trust me, a lot of them are crazier than their patients but they are very talented at helping others - it always helps to have an outside opinion and another point of view to make you see things in a better light. You can't think clearly when you're in the "pain tunnel" (I just made that up and hope it makes sense) - but someone who doesn't know your family can just deal direct with your story- no one elses. Like Nike says: Just Do it. I love you. See you soon. xoxo
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